I wish I weren't the way I am

I don't like being in my comfort zone
I think that is one of my biggest problems
Leaving my friends, my family, my current life behind for a "better" or "new" environment
Rejecting my old self but not entirely accepted in this new world
So I try again and again to forget about the past
I cannot go back to the way I was

Forgive me

Where Have You Been?

There is this really funny trait about males

For those I am not interested and only want to be friends with, they actually will not give up. Guys do like chasing and it's funny because it is not going anywhere. How can they not realize that?

For example, drunk texting is just...really...not a good way to talk to a girl. What does that say? I don't get it...
"yo I'm drunk...and i'm finishing up drinking can I text you in a little bit?"
"i'm drunk sorry if i made no sense"
"yo wanna go to 1020? wanna drink? btw i'm drunk"
"yo what are you up to? dude wanna come downtown to drink?"
"hey i wanna get outta here. can i come over?"

NOOOOOOO!! NONONO!!!!
I don't want to be mean but this is getting a little annoying because getting random texts at 3/4 in the morning is just not cool.

For those who I am interested in, they just never asked. OH WELL...

at the subway today, this random guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. it was...sketchy and scary. I was really mean too.

New York is no Washington, but it doesn't make us less exctied about the inauguration

The post I wrote last night in complete outrage looks funny to me now. Jeez

Today was the first day of classes; it was, surprisingly, very very enjoyable. First thing in the morning, I had financial economics which I learn about risk management, derivatives, and valuations in the stock and bond markets. The information I figured is something I could get off of Wiki, but it's good to learn it in class I guess. Big event today - Obama's inauguration. "We are ready to LEAD once again" and while Obama was stepping on the BLUE carpet, taking his oath to become the 44th president of the United States, the stock market plummeted. Citibank lost 20% of its share - its price got down from 100 to 2.80 in a span of 4 months. Banks in Sweden lost 65% of its company's worth, making today one of the worst days in the stock market. Some blamed it on Obama (he's supposed to walk on water but not a blue carpet, isn't he?). For those who blamed it on Obama is probably not aware of the fact that leaders in our country, as much as they would want to perform miracles, cannnot really just break 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish to feed our entire nation. Banks fail because of their defected loaning system. Consequently, the stock markets went down the drain with these irresponsible financial intermediaries. But, in all honesty, how does that have to do with a newly elected president? As a matter of fact, polls show Obama's getting support from 85% of the population, I would expect the stock market to go up instead of castatrophically plummaged in an hour. What on earth is happening to our economy? After the Great Depression, FDR ousted the notorious Truman and set up a series of stumulus projects and plans to trigger GROWTH. But my fellow Americans, how are we supposed to make this country grow once again? Is there even room for it to grow? Back in the 1930s, in the midst of all the financial turmoils, the eletrical and fuel industries thrived. Many construction plans were made to increase government spending and lower unemployment rate. This day, outsourcing is inevitable due to globalization, the consumer market is plateauing and dominated by monopolies, cost of labor is making all businesses sigh and shake their heads. A new direction. America needs a booming industry that has potential to grow exponentially in the next couple of years and will stay burgeoning. What is that industry is the question that a lot of investors have on their minds. Healthcare? renewable energy? Fuel? Microlending/Microfinance? Sustainability? Biomedical?

Corporate finance, although seems very tough and is basically a graduate level MBA class, is going to be useful in a long run. Global economy, taught by Sunil Gulati, one of the top 20 economists in the world, is simply amazing. I am looking forward to going to class and listening to my professors. Man, this has made life so much more interesting!

After class, my friend made me pasta salad and went to the gym after. It was a good day, a good start. I am happy.

Ugh

Now, will you excuse me for being annoying again and let me rant for a while. Is it because we have a lot in common then it means we have to be good friends? Hypothetically speaking, if two people happen to work in the same company and live in the same area, does that automatically link the two individuals together and they should bond well? Is it wrong for me to think that this kind of relationship forced upon two individuals is fragile and, in a sense, superficial.

With 10+ years of analytical training, it is hard for me not to give definitions to relationships. Under the influence of my over-achieving parents, I am so goal-driven, so much so that I have forgotten how to go with my instincts and feelings. Subconsciously, every action and decision I make are more or less backed by some proofs and goals in mind. In high school, I was never genuinely friendly to my teachers because in my mind I had always treated them as a group of authorities with whom I do not want to develop intimacy. I give myself a goal for the semester. Say for instance, focus on work and stop partying. It would lead to rejecting all opposite sex or any pursuers, without giving much leeway for myself or my heart to feel. I build up barricades to fend off everyone who approaches me with sincerity. What a messed up mentality.

And, for those who happen to pursue the same major as I do, really I am thankful for the company and I could not have survived college without my friend's help; but it makes our friendship very very superficial. Had it not for the help or the grades, would we have been this close? Would they have been this nice? After all, it's part of networking? They are my colleagues, not friends. Now, is it because of that defected mentality I had that I cast doubt on these friendships? Is it just me?

I can only relax when I'm with people who are not from my major. School is full of shit (excuse my language).

I Want To Be An Angel

It is really late at night so I won't make it 2000 words long.

Lovely night with the girls. I think it was by far one of the best nights I've had this year. For a very long time, I haven't laughed this much and had this much fun.

Life's great.

It's a good start.

All I want is to smile, so I can also put a smile on your face. :) I want to be an angel, bringing richness and happiness to my heart and your heart.

Vintage Never Dies

since the last one was so long, i'll make this short. I just got one thing to say.

Rodney White. great artist. check out his work.

http://www.art.com/asp/display_artist-asp/_/CRID--21231/Rodney_White.htm?ui=6A51A6BD5FE54E6F8153113ADF616ED3

Upper Westsiders' Season Premiere, anyone?

Well well well - how would I describe coming back to the concrete jungle (for some reason this reminds of me Wendy Nico and Victory from lipstick jungle lol)? I must say, it was rather eventful and busy. Would it be boring to enumerate everything that I did? Being a nacississist, I would tell everything anyway.

The basis boils down to three things: decorated my room, got an iPhone (yes, serena, I got it finally!), and caught up with some old friends.


The blow up moose I got for my brother :)
it's amazing.

All through last week, I was really bummed that I had to come back to New York City. As much as I would love to call myself a city girl, a New Yorker and bash on those barbarians on the other side of the Hudson river, I was not quite accustomed to these pokerfaces on the subway and real life Grand Theft Auto on the street. I visited Collin and Boston University on Friday - for the first time. It had none of the glamor of New York City, but conglomerated with a tinge of homey NE feeling, it actually felt really comfortable being there. The people were not as stuck up as those in NYC. Most of them give off the vibe as down-to-earth and friendly; whereas, at columbia, kids are either cut throat competitive over-achievers or pretentious artsy conoisseurs. Some of them would feel the need to push through the coffee line, not wanting to waste one more minute letting the old man in front of them gets his coffee because of studying. Dramas due to reasons like grades, internships, power struggle within a student group are common. Of course, there exists a group of people who just feel really out of place in this school - sadly, not fitting in either group because they are actually normal. OKAY. Back to my adventure on friday - my brother and I hit the road with Jason Mraz's I'm Yours (Connecticut's radio station is surprisingly good). Three and a half hours later, we got to Fairfield, which literally is just like Weston - in the middle of nowhere. We went to Collin's girlfriend's, Scarlett's dorm and watched...Spongebob. Then, we made a terrible decision to leave the highway cause of traffic and sped through the Bronx and Harlem to Columbia (It was mad scary but I will eliminate that part). Once we got to Columbia, we hastily looked for a parking lot so we could eat. While Collin was backing up on a slope, he hit the side mirror against the wall and broke it. Fabulous driving skills I must say. Honestly, I have no idea how to narrate this other than laughing it off.

Anywho, we had dinner and watched Gran Torino, which was a GREAT movie. Walt Kowalski, starred by Clint Eastwood, was amazing! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! The movie is nominated Best Picture this year. It's so worth paying the money watching it in theater; I cried at the end of the movie. Then, a funny incident happened that night was two friends drunk texted me nonstop. One of them, a navy officer boy who goes to Westpoint and whom I befriended last semester, called and said, "Hey, what are you up to? I am with some friends at a bar right now and I wanna get outta here. SO...uh...I'm looking for a place to go, where are you?" AM I SUCH AN EASY WHORE? I told him I would call him tomorrow to check on him and hung up. I never did and never intended to. I had known the other one for quite a while and knew he is flirtatious by nature. Somehow, I see a little bit of myself in him (not in terms of being flirty), but I had texted someone in exact words and got mad at someone over not wanting to meet up late at night. I was mad at him for thinking that my calls were booty calls and all I wanted from him was hookups, but I guess it did give off that impression. oh well. Here we go again, first night back on campus, already, drama coming up to me. But I was at peace the entire time - no irritation, no reminiscence. All I wanted that night was to sleep and I fell in deep deep sleep like any other night.

My point of this is...I think I am mentally ready to enjoy a peaceful, pleasurable, and fruitful semester.

Be OK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTlDVPL1fIQ&NR=1

Ingrid Michaelson's Be Ok
"I just want to be okay."

My friends and my mother have always told me that I struck them as independent. For example, I like to eat alone, shop alone, read alone, or be alone. Although quite contradicting, I need a lot of personal space but at the same time some venue for me to express what I have a passion for. Subconsciously, I might have made myself give off that independent, strong-minded aura also, just so I could be whom I wanted myself to be. To my surprise, I noticed that I've grown into more and more dependent these two years. Or, I should've put it as an ongoing struggle of me wanting someone to be with me and me not wanting to rely on anyone (again, this is quite bipolar). When I was in Hong Kong this winter, I walked by a temple and had one of those bamboo stick fortune telling sheets. Basically, it says I should try to stay low key this year. I would put a lot of effort to achieve my goals but all of those effort will go down the drain. I don't want to come off as superstitious; yet, here I am, sitting on my ass filling out job applications but none of them seemed to work. I am desperate, desperate for a job to invest all my effort. I just need something; I want to be okay.

On a side note, Jenny Humpfrey from Gossip Girl - Taylor Momsen spotted climbing walls and jumping off stairs? It looked like a Nike commercial or a stunt. Hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kHdNkAPBdw

My Dearest Neil Patrick Harris

Before you exclaim "Jesus, how many posts does she want to write in a day?", I know it is pretty ridiculous that I've written three posts in a day. People, I am still on vacation, and if you had visited Boston, you would've known how tedious life could be at this place. Bear with me and I promise you this will die down soon.

Some of you may not be aware, but being outside of America is very inconvenient even in this highly interconnected, technological age. Due to security reasons (us cunning and mercenary chinese fellas make very good use of resources online to make money), I did not have access to a lot of the websites I frequently browse. For example, PANDORA! For the first couple of days in Hong Kong, I felt rather incomplete without music from pandora (wow that sounds pathetic). Other that music videos and songs, I am also not authorized to watch American TV shows online! How Terrible! When all these familiar resources and websites are stripped away from me, I started to realize how much my life revolves around American culture, to a remarkable extent that I had lived in dismay for a few days wanting to go back "home" as soon as possible.

Sitting on my bed in my pjs and my hair being absolutely disheveled, I watched a new How I Met Your Mother episode - "Benefit". I could not help but sat there in astonishment for a few minutes before I could utter any words to my friends online about the show. The first thing I could say was "awwwwwww....Barney". Neil Patrick Harris is my man. He might be one of the reasons that had made me love America (okay that was a little bit of an exaggeration but not entirely inaccurate).

I was at the mall the other day and we drove passed a Chipotle in Natick (I was surprised that they opened up a branch in Massachusetts, actually). I was overjoyed and commanded my uncle to stop the car immediately (yes, it was a command because nothing could stop me from getting a chipotle burrito). You cannot understand how satisfied I was when I was devouring that burrito. It was simply orgasmic.

I cannot wait to go back to NYC to spend my days at this hungarian pastry shop where they refill your coffee for you for free. I can't wait to go to these underground concerts. I can't wait to go to some Jazz bars in town. I can't wait to go snowboarding. I can't wait to visit MOMA and go to Van Gogh's exhibition. I attempted to search for some parallels in Hong Kong to make that place more homey, but it was just a completely different sensation.

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)

To start off, I will write about something less philosophical!

When this music video first came out, I watched it on vh1 and thought it would most definitely become a great hit! As I had expected (being not in touch with American music for almost 2 weeks while I was in Hong Kong), I was not surprised to see that Single Ladies had risen up to 1st on VH1 music video ranking this month.

for those of you who did not know about this song, watch it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g

I have heard various comments regarding this video and, let alone all the effort she put into it, the robotic arms did look a little weird at times. (haha) However, to me, this video is so simple and yet beautiful! All the attention goes into the way she dances and her body language instead of the setting and the story line of a typical music video. It brings out the message - "take away all the glamor and let's go back to the basics" to the audience. Absolutely stunning!

Muss Est Sein, jajajaja

Some of you might be wondering what the title or the name of the blog is about. I was reading "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera (a very enjoyable read, highly recommended!). One of the motifs in the book was "Es Muss Sein?" which is "Must It Be?" in German. They were the last few notes of Beethoven's String Quartet No. 16 Opus 135. At first, it was written more as a joke in another piece when Beethoven was asking one of his aquaintances for money - "jajajaja, Muss Est Sein", which is "yes yes yes yes, It Must Be [out of your purse!]". It recurrently appeared in his later pieces more as an expression of an uneasy, difficult resolution made with considerably weight. I used this name as the name of my blog simply because this theme - as it has troubled a lot of people in present and past - is one of the questions that I have repeatedly asked myself. Must it be? Must your life be this way? Is it a chain of coincidences, which might have inadvertently deillusioned you into thinking that it is destiny? Rather, is there destiny? Is there a weight, a burden of which we are obligated to carry throughout our lives? Is there a way to escape this fate? Must it be?

That said, this blog isn't all about life altering matters (that would in fact be quite boring). I will also write about my findings in art, music, books, and anything interested to me.